The Pain of Being a Man
by Chronically Lazy
Summary: This is a rewrite of 'Chemical Reactions' Hichigo finally manages to take over Ichigo but what happens when he runs into someone who makes him feel, and become a slave to ,the very emotions he despised Ichigo for feeling?
1. Chapter 1

**Those Nights**

****A/N: I decided to try to name each chapter after a song. This one is **_**Those Nights**_** by Skillet. ****

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><p>He looked down at the town the below; it was filled with people going about their daily business, utterly oblivious to his existence. "Where to start." He said to himself with a pleased smirk. Hichigo did not have that much time and he knew it; beating that shinigami was harder than he though, even when he attacked him by surprise. Lying somewhere, tied up, and hopefully unconscious, was Ichigo. Of course the moment he woke up, he would most likely try to escape and fight his way to the surface but until then he, Hichigo, was king in this castle and he planned to make every minute worth it. He had at most two weeks – perhaps three – which despite being far from ideal, was enough time to make sure that when Ichigo got back, there was a nice, big, hell of a present waiting for him in his precious, little, waste-of-space town.<p>

She was not looking for him but she found him anyway, he was just standing there with his hands in his pocket, looking down at Karakura. She rarely saw him so she was not surprised or bothered when he disappeared two days ago and it was not until she found out that Rukia, Orihime and Chad had not seen him either that she began to suspect something was wrong. She had not come here with the intention of looking for him; this spot was where they used to cry. When his mom died, when her granddad died, when her older brother left Japan to go to school abroad, when Karin was hospitalised – they came here when bad things happened, or at least they used to, and the other would always come. The day she came second in the vale-tudo contest she came here, cried and waited for him. She was still waiting.

Tatsuki had no idea why she had come until she spotted him leaning against the tree, his hands shoved into his pockets and the slight slouch that she would never have associated with Ichigo. She _knew_ something was wrong with him – why else would he come here? There was something wrong that even he could not deal with on his own, and unlike him she was holding up her end of the deal. "Oi, where the hell have you been?" She asked as she hit him upside the head lightly.

Hichigo was actually taken by surprise; he did not know the living body had so many limitations; he had been unable to sense the person who had approached him and whoever it was had actually managed to hit _him_, Ichigo's inner hollow – oh they were going to pay. In blood. He spun round, with the intention of grabbing whatever had had the gall to hit _him_by the neck and flinging it down towards Karakura, his hand was barely an inch from her neck when he froze. He felt as though he was falling, falling into those surprise widened brown eyes of hers. He heard the rustle of leave before the hill actually came into view before his very eyes, he looked down at his hand when he felt something wet drop on them - they were tears. His tears? He looked to his right and sitting beside him, with her arm around his shoulders was the same dark haired girl – much younger – with the same large brown eyes, this time shining with unshed tears. Who was she crying for? Why was she crying and why did the sight of tears in eyes bring even more tears to his?

Suddenly he was falling again.

The pain spread through his right side and up the rest of his body. Tears began to run down his cheeks uncontrollably as he sobbed; these were not tears of joy or sadness; they had no emotion attached to them, he was crying simply because he could. "Are you crying again?" an impatient voice demanded. He looked up at her; she was even younger this time. "Your mommy's waiting for you." She snapped and pointed behind him, he turned to see a light-haired woman smiling and waving at him. A feeling he could not quite place spread from the centre of his chest outwards – was it happiness or something? He waved back, and once again he was falling.

He was standing by the river. He could not move because fear like he had never felt before had coiled around his heart and immobilised him, so he was forced to watch – horrified – as a hollow devoured the light-haired woman. It took all his strength to pull himself from that onslaught of images.

Hichigo fell to his knees; he felt as though he had been stabbed in the chest repeatedly, his head was throbbing, his limbs were shaking and for some reason his eyes were watering. What the fuck had she done to him? "Hey Ichigo." She reached down to place her hand on his shoulder but he pushed her away so violently that she fell to the ground.

"Stay the hell away from me you bitch." He spat acerbically as he rose his feet. Hichigo held his head in his hands as he walked away. It never even crossed his mind to harm her; all that he could think about was Ichigo's past.

He followed her stealthily. Two days ago, when he had met her and obtain a pounding headache as a result, he had made a mental note to kill her as soon as possible. Why? Did he need a fucking reason to?

Hichigo weaved through the crowd; slowly he closed the gap between them. A weird feeling began to stir in the pit of his stomach as he neared her, but he ignored it. He stood directly behind her, his arm raised and ready to end her life. Slowly the feeling in his stomach migrated up his chest. He began to feel as though something had bound him and was squeezing the life out of him; he could barely breath and moving was simply out of the question.

Some part of his mind that he did not know existed opened up and moments from Ichigo's past streamed in. It was not an attack like the first time, this time they floated gently through his mind as though they had all the time in the world. One sickening moment stuck out. She had the arm of an older kid locked behind his back at a painful angle "He does not want to fight you and neither do I but if you force me I will." That idiot had always been weak, he had always been pathetic and fragile and she was the only reason he survived his younger years and did not turn out a spineless coward who feared who own shadow.

"You didn't have to do that." He was twelve years old and trying to be tough. His smile had disappeared years ago and with that the few friends he had – except her.

"Hey strawberry, I'm always going to look out for you; I've been doing that since pre-school and old habits die hard." She smiled at him, "Plus best friends have to protect each other."

"You never need to be protected." He was slightly bitter, because since they were little he had been her burden and he could never pay her back – what kind of friendship was that?

"I'm really sorry that you feel like that."

He saw it. That is where Ichigo got the drive to surpass everyone he faced; he was trying to pay her back. And that is when their friendship began to fall apart; little cracks of envy and self- doubt.

Hichigo lowered his hand slowly. He felt sick. "Who are you?" he whispered under his breaath, he had not expected a reply because he thought she could not see him, and was surprised when she turned around and looked directly at him.

"Ichigo?"

He looked at her silently, oblivious to the small tears that rolled down his cheeks. "Who are you?"

"What kind of question is that? Are you alright?"

He stared at her like a helpless child. Tatsuki grabbed his hand and pulled him to a corner where no one would see her talking to herself. "Ichigo what is wrong with you? Where have you been? Ichigo? Ichigo?" She placed her hands on his shoulders and shook him slightly, "Ichigo what is wrong with you?" He lifted his eyes to her and tilted his head slightly, and she noticed tears that fell gently from his eyes. "Oh my gosh Ichigo, are you ok?" she asked as she wiped them away, not quite caring that he was barely responding. He wrapped his hand around her wrist and pulled her hand from his face. He stared at her, tying to find the question he wanted to ask.

'Who are you?' She was Tatsuki Arisawa, Ichigo's first real friend.

'What are you?' She was a living person. A normal living human with no powers, no special abilities and nothing really interesting about her except she kept making him see – and feel – Ichigo's past.

"Ichigo let go; you're hurting me." Tatsuki said as she tried to pry his fingers, which had tightened considerably, off her wrist. He loosened his grip and she pulled her hand away, "What is up with you; no one has seen you in days."

"What the hell do you want with me?" he snapped, irritated by his lack of focus and inability to separate himself – emotionally – from her. His mind was still scattered from the flood of emotion that came with the memories, and he was angry with her for being so concerned about some piece of shit. "Ichigo is not here."

"What?" Tatsuki furrowed her brows,

"You need to fucking let go of Ichigo. He's not here, he's gone and even if he's to come back it will not be to you so get him out of your fucking head."

"No." She did not say anything more. She simply turned around and walked away; she was done hitting him, done yelling at him, done demanding anything; she just did not have the energy to anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Psycho**

He was not the kind to be patient or have much self-control. Initially he planned to just wait outside the shop and talk to her when she came out. He had imagined himself walking up to her and charming that pissy attitude off her, perhaps insisting on carrying her shopping bags for her and all that chivalrous bull-shit. However, after ten minutes of waiting – made worse by the fact that he could see her through the large glass windows of the shop – he went inside; he simply was not built to wait.

He reached over her shoulder, picked up a box of milk and dropped it in her shopping basket. "What?" Hichigo laughed as she put the box back on the shelf, "Don't tell me it's the wrong brand or some stupid shit like that."

Tatsuki turned around and pushed him a few steps backwards because he was standing uncomfortably close to her; she had felt his chest pressed slightly against her back when he reached over her shoulder. "What do you want with me?" she did not look upset as she threw his question back at him, but Hichigo could tell she was far from happy.

"What do _you_ want?" he smirked, but she did not see the joke; Tatsuki looked him up and down slowly, and then walked away. "Oi, come back." he laughed as he, much to her irritation, followed her.

"Can you do me a favour and go away?" she hissed angrily, "Tatsuki – the girl you, for some sick reason, want to mess with – is not here."

"Then who are you?" he was still acting as though it was a big joke, and that did not go over very well with her. Tatsuki spun round sharply and glared at him,

"I am the very pissed off girl who kick your ass right now if you don't leave her alone."

Hichigo's grin quickly faded, he slipped his hands into his pockets and looked uncomfortably at the ceiling, "What I meant was 'what do you want from me' – you don't need to start acting like a bitch."

It hurt. A lot.

It was amazing how such a tiny fist could cause so much pain. Hichigo staggered backwards, he was bewildered by how he had not seen her throw that punch as well as just how fucking painful it was. Was she made of steel or something? It just did not make any sense how someone so tiny could hit so hard. "Ichigo, I don't know what you are getting out of this and I don't care – just don't come near me, ok?"

"You were supposed to say 'I want the truth' – isn't that what you've been so pissy about?" he said stiffly as he wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth, his eyes daring the people in the store who were staring at them to say anything, "So ask me anything and I will tell you the truth."

"I have nothing to ask you; I don't care what you do." She said as she walked towards the cashier. She was not done but she wanted to get out of the shop, and away from him, as quickly as possible. Although her body language said this clearly, he was not the kind of person to take hints he did not like so he followed her, thinking she would give in but she continued in silence as though the tall man shadowing her impatiently did not exist.

He was halfway to her house when his nasty habit of impatience reared it filthy, albeit time-saving, head. He dragged her into an alley and threw her up against the wall. Tatsuki hit the wall and fell to the ground but he did not as bat an eyelid "Ok, I tried to be nice but you are just such a fucking pain in the ass!" he said. Irritated eyes followed her as she rose to her feet, "You better sit down." His voice held a sadistic undertone she had never heard before, that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.

"Are you trying to scare me Ichigo?" She sounded much more put-together than she actually was. She was not bothered by what could happen to her; much more important than that was what had happened to Ichigo.

Hichigo wrapped his wrapped his hand around her neck and shoved her against the wall, "What did I tell you about Ichigo; that little bitch is not here – ok? Now sit down!" Tatsuki swallowed hard and then slowly lowered herself to the ground, making sure to keep her eyes fixed on his. His long fingers let go off her neck and he squatted so he was eye level with her, and then hung his head. "I don't want to scare you, but not listening will get you killed; if you try to give me the same attitude you gave that sissy bitch I might get pissed and kill you." He tapped her forehead playfully with his index finger, "I don't want to kill you."

"Before I get started, let's clear up a few things. You are weak and pathetic, and the only reason I am doing this is because I think that idiot owes you much more than he has been giving you and unlike him, I have a sense of pride and I understand the value of loyalty. You have done a lot for him and me, indirectly, so I will tolerate you until I pay you back, after which if you cross my path or if it strikes my fancy I will kill you like I would anyone else. Are we clear?" Tatsuki nodded slowly, her eyes wide in surprise. "Good girl." He patted her head gently. She could see him, and she could hear what he was saying but somehow she could not reconcile the speaker with the person she was seeing. He had been telling the truth; Ichigo was not here and that scared her silly.

"Do you have any questions or should I just start from the beginning?" he asked, his voice was clear of the malice that had scared her so much before and now he sounded like that idiot she punched in the store. He sounded like what she had thought, when she was younger, Ichigo would sound like in high school; his voice was confident, amused and happy. Never had confident, amused and happy been so scary.

"What has happened to you Ichigo?"

"Have you not been listening to me? I-"

"Then who are you." She still sounded sure of herself, as though her racing heart existed in a different dimension.

"I'm the part of Ichigo that's not a bitch." He said as he sat on the ground, "The Ichigo you know is the shinigami half, I'm the hollow half."

"Where is the shinigami half?"

Hichigo smirked and pointed at his right temple, "In here… somewhere." As soon as he gave her that hope, she abandoned all reason and leapt at him and his head collided painfully with the ground as he fell backwards.

"Ichigo I know you can hear me," her face was so close to his that he could see them filling up with tears, "Ichigo you have to fight this… it."

Hichigo looked at the girl straddling him, her hands on his shoulders, her face merely centimetres away from his. "If you do not get off me within the next five seconds," Hichigo said slowly, "I will assume you want me to turn you into my comfort woman." She scrambled off him as quickly as she could and Hichigo, barely able to contain his amusement, stood up and brushed the dirt off his clothes, "Next time there won't be a warning. You know, you're really starting to piss me off." He lifted his eyes from his clothes only to find that his last sentence had been addressed to a wall; the moment he moved his yes from her Tatsuki had taken off as fast as her legs could carry her. Fuck, he had not even heard her footsteps.

Tatsuki ran all the way to her house; she did not stop, she did not look back, she did not even notice the tears stuck in her eyes and the sob stuck in her throat. It was difficult to tell what scared her more, what Ichigo had become, or the fact that he had become that. She pushed open the front door of her house and threw herself inside. She slammed the door behind her and locked it. Finally, breathing heavily, she crumpled to the ground, with her back against the door and her head in her hand.

Why her? Why was he coming after her of all people? What could she have done to offend him so much that when he lost his mind the first person he came after was her? Tatsuki took two deep calming breaths and stood up shakily. "Get yourself together Tatsuki. You'll be fine, Ichigo will be fine, everything will be fine." She said as she tried to stop herself from shaking. She straightened her slumped shoulders and slowly made her way up the stairs and to her room. Suddenly she wished that she did not live alone; right now she would give anything to know that her parents would be back from work tonight – no matter how late.

She opened the door of her room and quickly took a step back. "You know, your room is very different from how I remember it." He was lying on her bed casually flipping through one of her books. He closed the book and pushed himself into a sitting position, "Did you think I would not know where you live?" Hichigo threw his head back and laughed with abandon, "come on, we've been friends since we were five; if there is anybody who knows you, it's me."

"What do you want?" she asked. His grin, his unhesitant violent movements and erratic tone – everything about him was uninhibited and feral, but it was his eyes that made her shake. Whether amused, irritated or mocking, they still held a reptilian quality that made her feel as though she was being eaten.

She was standing two steps away from the door, but even from this distance he could see her shaking and he could hear her frantic breaths. "Are you scared of me?"

"I'm not scared _of _you, I'm scared _for_ you."

"You mean you are scared for that piece of shit that hides everything from you, and when Orihime disappears tells you 'it does not concern you'. You're too good for you own good." Hichigo threw his legs over the side over her bed and rose to his feet. As he walked towards her all she could think about was that giant sword strapped to his back; would he draw it and cleave her in half? Would he simply try to scare her again?

He reached out his index finger and tapped her lightly on the forehead, "Don't speak to anyone about me, ok?" for a moment she could swear she saw some softness creeping into his unguarded reptilian gaze.

It was not until after he had exited, via her window, that she noticed the grocery bags at the foot of her bed.

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><p><strong>AN: **_**the title song is by Puddle of Mudd**_


	3. Chapter 3

Tatsuki leaned her back against the tree and closed her eyes. She tried to think about her training, her family, her school work, but against her will her mind kept drifting back to Ichigo. Even right now she could see five year old Ichigo with his silly toothless grin, blood dripping down his chin and onto his white uniform shirt. "Oh my goodness Ichigo are you alright?" she could hear her tiny five year old self asking. The fear in her voice was almost palpable. He pushed his tongue through the bloody gap before spitting out one of his front teeth.

Ichigo looked down at the tooth in his hand and then back up at her, "I think you broke my tooth" He said with a slight lisp. She knelt down in front of him and pursed her lips,

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to show you how to stop a bully."

"Well it works" He grinned, revealing a row of perfect, blood tinted teeth. Well, perfect minus one front tooth.

Tatsuki felt tears sting the corner of her eyes, where had he gone? That silly, smiling kid she had loved. Even as he grew up and grew sullen she still stayed by his side because sometimes, when it was just the two of them, that kid will return. Yes, he got a bit more sarcastic as he grew and he started to tease her but everyone changed as they grew up. Now though, he had disappeared completely. He had been eaten by the sullen, brooding boy. She still stayed because she hoped that somehow he would come back to her.

Tatsuki let out a defeated sigh and opened her eyes. Her lunch was still sitting on her lap as untouched as when she first opened the lunch box. "Hey, are you planning to sleep here?" his voice sent chills down her spine. She wanted nothing more than to get up and run but over the past few days he had made it painfully obvious that there was no point to running; he seemed to know exactly where to find her. School had closed hours ago but she had been too frightened to return home because she knew he would be sitting on her bed as casually as though he were in his own room. He was always there waiting for her with those reptilian eyes that made her all too aware that he was not the Ichigo she knew.

"Why are you doing this?" She asked so coolly one might have believed she was truly indifferent to his presence.

"Because I can. Why do you do anything?" He replied with a sly half grin so reminiscent of the Ichigo that used to appear when it was just the two of them, that for a moment she felt as though she were back in middle school. He sat across from her and began picking at her lunch, "So do you want to hear a story?"

"No." she snapped as she pulled her lunch box away.

"You weren't even eating that!" Hichigo protested. Tatsuki felt her heart skip a beat. The more he talked, the more he reminded her of Ichigo. Not the quiet moody one, but the one who used to tease her whilst they played video games in his room, the one who was generous with his smiles when it was just the two of them. This was what they should have grown up to be like.

"Fine." She shoved the lunch box in his direction and folded her arms across her chest.

Hichigo took it eagerly; he was always hungry no matter how much he ate. "I am going to tell you the story about lies, deceit and heartbreak." he grinned like the child he was, "I call it Shinigami Promises. Good, no?"

Tatsuki let out a short derisive laugh. "Make it short."

"If it takes all day, you are going to be here till the sun rises. You could have been at home but you chose to stay here. You made your bed, so lie in it." He said in a cool, even tone that made it clear that he was not to be argued with. Someone else must have sat there and listened quietly. But Tatsuki had never been one to yield so easily. She rose to her feet and brushed the dirt off her uniform skirt,

"I am going home now, if you want to talk follow me and talk on the way. Maybe you have all day, but I don't."

Had she been anyone else he would have grabbed her by the neck and flung her to the ground. But she was amusing; she tried to act as though she was in control when they both knew he could end her life right now if it struck his fancy and for something as simple as turning her back on him. Hichigo smiled that sly half-grin and followed her.

He told her everything. He reached deep into Ichigo's mind and pulled out every memory about his shinigami life. He even went as far as to tell him how Ichigo felt during those times, but he made sure to never mention his desire to impress her. To finally pay her back for all those times she stood up for him. The closest he ever came to mentioning that was a passing remark about 'protecting friends'. All the while, Hichigo watched her with those dark predator eyes. He noted every time her strides shortened. He noticed her shoulders sag and her hands threaten to clench. Every once in a while she would regain her composure; she would hold up her head, straighten her back and walk as though nothing were wrong. Those where the moments in which he chose to emphasise just how much Ichigo liked the glory and how he had quite forgotten about her. The pictures gathering dust in the back of his closet, the old gifts he had given away. Nearly nothing remained of their friendship – or so he claimed.

To Hichigo it was all a game. It was beyond amusing to see the 'oh so mighty' Tatsuki Arisawa defeated by words. What kind of fighter was defeated by simple words? Did her opponents simply write a highly moving speech and win when she was moved to tears? Humans were so fragile it almost made him sick.

"So what do you think?" Hichigo asked, "Was it a good story?"

When she did not reply he only found the whole situation funnier. He laughed as he placed his hand on her shoulder and turned her so she was facing him. He was ready to laugh in her face and call her pathetic but the moment he saw the tears in her eyes his laughter died on his lips.

The first time had felt like an attack. Ichigo's memories had ripped through his mind so forcefully that it sent his world spinning. The second time was gentler though. The memories simply floated through as though they were carried on the wind. This time it felt as though he had always known, as though the image of her brown eyes, shining with tears, were actually his memories. She had cried for him. That day by the river she had cried _for_ of him. Now she was crying because of him.

"Tatsuki, I'm sorry." his brain had stopped working. It did not matter what he tried to think because nothing could overwhelm that ugly feeling gnawing at his insides. He wrapped his arms around her hoping that she would at least try to fight him because that would show that at least there was still some fire in her. But she did not fight him. She just slumped against him like a broken doll and for the first time in his life Hichigo tasted fear. "Tatsuki I'm sorry, please stop crying. He wanted to protect you. He wanted to impress you. All those time when you protected him, he wanted to somehow pay you back and show that he was strong too."

He did not know how long he stood there holding her. It was not until much later when she had regained her composure and they were walking towards her house in silence, that he realised that all it took to break him had been a look. Not even a whimper or a sentence. Just once broken look had caused him to abandon all reason.

Hichigo looked at her from the corner of his eye and suddenly the very sight of her began to irritate him. Her weakness and uselessness must be contagious because he was becoming just as weak. He was becoming a slave to the reaction of some short human girl. He should have killed her. That day he followed her through traffic he should had driven his hand through her chest and laughed. Bile rose to the back of his throat; even the prospect of her death had lost its appeal. He looked straight ahead and slowly nursed his resentment. He reminded himself that he was a hollow and that she was nothing but human. Killing her would make Ichigo suffer more than anything else he could imagine.

"Thank you." Her voice was small and barely above a whisper, but that was loud enough to scatter any thought of harming her.

"Huh?" Hichigo asked, pretending as though he had not heard her.

"Thank you." Tatsuki repeated, she was louder this time but still not loud enough to settle his heart. "I know you were trying to hurt me but I needed to know."

"You earned better than what they are giving you."

"I don't keep a tally with my friends. I don't do things so they will pay me back. I do it because I love them."

"That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard." Hichigo sneered, "You are just as pathetic as the rest of them. Go on, go home, crawl into bed and hope that 'love' will one day make people treat you like you are actually worth a damn."

Tatsuki shrugged and walked away. She was only two houses away from her home so he stood there, watching her, until she was safely inside. Only then did Hichigo allow himself to walk away. She was stupid just like the rest of them, perhaps more so. Slowly Hichigo found himself wanting to kill her. Not to hurt her, no. He would give her a swift painless death and then hide her soul so no shinigami could come whisking her off. Someone like her would really benefit from being a hollow; her heart was far too big for her own good. As a hollow she would have the respect and loyalty she deserved. She would not do things 'for love', but rather would exact her due. This time, there was no bile in the back of his throat.


	4. Chapter 4

She could not concentrate; she had not heard when the teacher had called her name during roll call, Ishida had had to repeat himself three times before Tatsuki finally understood what he was trying to say and, worst of all, she had forgotten her sports bag.

"I don't know." Tatsuki snapped. The irritation in her voice was enough to tell Ishida that she was in no mood for questions. She would punch the next person who asked her if she had seen Ichigo.

How was she supposed to focus on anything when Ichigo's inner hollow had decided to follow her around? At first his presence had made her feel as though he was constantly holding a knife to her throat. However, now she found herself slowly trusting him. She knew full well that she was making a mistake. This Ichigo was cruel and remorseless. When she looked into his eyes she saw a being that only lived for blood. He was the kind of person who would laugh while he killed her slowly. She had this uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach that if she continued the way she was going, she would soon find out if he really laughed while he killed people.

The incessant questioning did not help either. Every half hour there was someone asking her if she had seen Ichigo. It was as though they worked on a loop; first Orihime, then Chad, then Rukia, then Ishida, and then they would start again. It did not take a genius to figure out that they knew the truth. She could tell them 'no' and ask them to 'go away' from dusk till dawn, but they will still persist.

"Fine. yes. I have seen him," she snapped at Ishida who had conveniently taken the seat next to her, "I saw him yesterday and the day before. But he will do whatever the hell he wants to do and when he is done acting out, he will return to his normal self."

Of course Ishida was not surprised; he had known all along. "Arisawa, it is not that simple. Ichigo is not himself. You need to-"

The shrill sound of the end-of-day bell cut Ishida's words off. She had never been happier to hear that bell. Immediately she was on her feet. She needed to get away from them. Life was simple when she had no choice. A few days ago Hichigo had been stalking her and there was nothing she could do about it. However, now she had to decide whether to trust Orihime and the others, or just live her life quietly hoping he would leave... or stay and not kill her.

She practically ran down the hallway, each step charged with frustration and anger. Hichigo should have been more abusive, he should have remained bitter and cruel, he should not have stood outside her window, he should have tried to hurt her, he should never have hugged her. And Orihime and Rukia should have spoken earlier, they should have stepped in when all she felt towards Hichigo was fear. Of course she could not choose; when she looked at him, sometimes she saw her best friend from primary school grinning like an idiot, as though nothing in the world mattered.

"Tatsuki Arisawa." She stopped so abruptly that she almost fell. "I am sorry I startled you." A tall man with blonde hair said as walked towards her. His smile would have been reassuring if her world was not currently such a mess. "I need you to come with me." It was then that Tatsuki noticed how unnaturally quiet the whole school was. It was so quiet that the sounds of his slippers filled the hallway each time he took a step forward.

"Are you mad?" She asked bravely. That self-assured defiant tone came so easily to her that she no longer had to think about masking her fear. Since she was little she never let anyone see or hear her fear. To the outside world she was steel.

"My name is Urahara Kisuke. And if you do not come with me, someone else will take you. A mutual friend who has not been quite himself." He knew too. He was probably one of them; a friend of Ichigo and Orihime. But he was not a friend of hers.

"I am not going anywhere with you." Tatsuki replied. She was prepared to fight if she had to.

"Tatsuki." Orihime said softly from behind her. Tatsuki turned. Orihime, Rukia, Chad and Ishida all stood side by side, blocking the hallway so she could not run away. "Ichigo is dangerous. He wants to use you to hurt the rest of us. Please let us protect you."

Protect her. Of course. But from whom? From Hichigo or from her own stupidity?

"We know it must be scary, but running away won't stop him." Ishida explained in a voice that sounded almost sympathetic.

There was nowhere to go, which was probably a good thing; if she had a choice she would probably make the wrong one anyway. For the first time in a very long time, Tatsuki surrendered.

She listened quietly as they told her things Hichigo had already told her. He was a hollow, he was dangerous, Ichigo was not in control of himself. But they got one thing very very wrong. Hichigo did not want to kill her; he had had far too many chances to do so. Urahara confessed that is he did know why Hichigo chose to target her. But she knew why. Hichigo was made up of all Ichigo's anger and bitterness, all the negativity he had ever experienced had coalesced into one hateful being. However she had always been there for him through the hardest times whether it was loneliness, fear or the death of his mother. She was the hope in his darkness and now it had come for her. No one had to tell her for her to understand that hollows were incomplete and that Hichigo was drawn to her because she gave him some sense of completion.

"You should be safe in here." Urahara said as he led her into a small room in the back of his shop.

"Are you just leaving me here?" she asked even though she already knew the answer.

"We will be right outside. He have to discuss how to restrain Ichigo and return him to his normal self." She watched as Urahara, Orihime, Chad, Ishida, and even the cat left. Of course she was not welcome to their discussion.

She walked around the room slowly, examining every crack in the panel and staring carefully at the ceiling. Slowly it dawned on her how ironic it was that the people who locked her in a room and spoke in secret asked her to trust them, and distrust the person who has open and honest with her. She knew what Hichigo was, and she knew where she stood with him at all times. But she no longer knew what her friends were. Suddenly she felt ashamed. Just thinking that she did not trust her friends felt like treachery.

Tatsuki sat on the ground and pulled her knees to her chest. She would wait for them and do as they said because Hichigo was not looking out for her, and she was not looking out for herself, so she would place her faith in the people level headed enough to know that she could not walk around Kurakara with Hichigo and act as though he were not a monster through and through. One day she would look back on this day and thank them.

She felt the pressure before she heard the crash, but she still jumped to her feet as startled as though she had not expect something to happen. The light coming through the crack underneath the door glowed a violent red, and then a bright purple, and then red again. She heard shouts, the deafening grind of metal on metal and then silence. She stared at the door with bated breath. The two seconds of silence seemed to stretch on for eternity, but finally it happened. The door, along with half the wall, shattered.

Tatsuki spun away from the door and crouched down to protect herself from the spliters. But before her ears even stopped ringing a strong arm grabbed her and yanked her to her feet. He said something but the ringing made his words incomprehensible. Suddenly there was a sword pressed to her throat. It was thin, long and very sharp. She should have been more frightened, but the sound of his voice made it impossible for her to worry.

"... kill her... go... keeper..." she could barely make out his words, but slowly she was regaining her hearing and from the confidence in Hichigo's voice and the steely anger in Urahara's eyes, she knew who had won.

"Shopkeeper, do you want blood on your hands?" His blade pressed harder against her throat and she hissed in pain as it drew blood. Still, she could not find it in herself to be scared. "You will move aside and we will walk out the front door of this shop. If I so much as think you are coming after me... well, you will have a head to use as a doorstop."

She was surprisingly calm for a hostage. A wiser person may have felt some sense of panic when Urahara obediently stepped away from the door. But she had never felt safe with Urahara, and at least Hichigo was familiar.

"Now, just walk, unless you suddenly decided that you no longer need you pretty little head." Hichigo said as he pushed her forward. Obediently, she walked. When they stepped out from the back room into the front of the shop her step faltered. Orihime sat slumped in the far corner of the shop. He must have felt muscles tense beneath his griip, because before Tatsuki could even ask Hichigo leaned down and whispered, "I did not hurt her. I know you would do something stupid if I did, and then I would actually have to kill you." He lifted his head, "Hey Orihime!" Hichigo barked in the red-haired girl's direction, "Don't you want to say good bye?"

Orihime turned to look in their direction. Her eyes were red from crying. "Tatsuki I am so sorry," the tears started anew. She rose to her feet and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands, "I tried, I wanted to protect you...I am so sorry for being weak." Suddenly Tatsuki felt a pang of guilt. She should be the one apologising. It was her fault in the first place. If she had said something sooner... if she had been stronger... if she was not so stupid...

"I'll be fine Orihime. Don't you trust me?" Tatsuki smiled softly, "Soon this will be nothing but a bad dream."

Orihime eyes fell to the blade at Tatsuki's neck and the smear of blood on the blade. "Can I heal her?" she asked softly, afraid that if she spoke too loudly he would lose his temper and kill her best friend. She could not even find it in herself to look at Hichigo, not when he was in this form.

"For fuck's sake," Hichigo rolled his eyes. "Just walk" he snapped at Tatsuki as he pushed her lightly. Tatsuki smiled at Orihime one last time before obediently walking past her. Why did this feel so much like treachery?


	5. Chapter 5

Tatsuki sat crossed legged on the ground and stared at the orange-red sky. "So this is what you really look like." She said.

"I am beautiful on the inside." Hichigo smirked as he sat down next to her.

"This _is_ your inside." She laughed, "And I would hardly call it beautiful." She looked at him and smiled, "but you came after me and this is a beautiful thing."

He did could neither explain why those words made him happy, nor why they made him feel pride for tearing down half of that shop. But he could explain why his reaction worried him; He was hollow. He acted in his own best interest. He got her back to prove to that shinigami and their allies that he was king, to prove that no one could stop him. Yet, as hard as he tried, he could not convince himself that that was his sole motive.

"Tatsuki, do not lie to yourself." Hichigo's sudden seriousness caught Tatsuki off guard; as far as she knew, he was past trying to scare her. He grabbed her wrist firmly and lifted her hand, "do not confuse yourself; I am the only being I think about." His grip was iron but Tatsuki showed no signs of discomfort or pain. She simply kept her eyes fixed on his.

"Then why did you go through the trouble of coming for me?" She asked.

"I did not come for you; I came to show them that they could not stop me." He guided her hand through the hole in his chest. "If I had a heart I would care about you, but, as you can see, I do not have one." Her eyes fell to her hand and the hole in his chest. She furrowed her brows as though trying to come up with some way to refute his answer. "And neither do your friends." Hichigo whispered just low enough for her to hear.

Tatsuki pulled her hand away sharply and glared at him, "Do not try to come between my friendships. Orihime is like my sister."

Hichigo could not help but smile. His smile was so smug and self satisfied that it took all of Tatsuki's will power not to hit him. She did not need his help in questioning them and their motives; she had been doing so for days. The last thing she needed was Hichigo rubbing salt in her wounds. "They were trying to protect me." she said sharply.

"Are you stupid?" Hichigo laughed, "They walked you down the street and put you in the back of a shop. Even you, wita limited knowledge of my power, know that what they did was not nearly enough to keep you safe."

Tatsuki looked down at her lap and balled her hands into fist so tight that her palms began to hurt.

"If they really wanted to protect you, they would have taken the five extra minutes to take you to the spirit world and that way I would never have been able to reach you." Hichigo placed his hand under her chin and lifted her head so she was looking at him, "To them you were nothing more than bait meant to lure me. We got away because I knew that. The only way you will be free is if you know that. People will use you, but only if you let them."

She slapped his hand away and pushed herself to her feet. "You are lying." Even though her eyes were shining with tears, she managed to glare at him with so much ferocity that for a moment Hichigo felt as though she just might be able to take care of her own heart. "You are angry, cold, and bitter, and I will not become like you. I still have a heart."

"Do you have a brain?" he asked calmly. She had the strength and anger to take what was hers, but she just needed to direct it towards the right people. Ichigo and Orihime did not deserve her heart.

"Why are you doing this?" Now she was truly crying, but Hichigo would never feel bad because this time the tears were necessary. She needed to cry and then forget them.

"Because you deserve better than them." He answered simply.

"Something better, like you?" Tatsuki sneered. Hichigo threw his head back and laughed. Never in her life had Tatsuki felt so ridiculous.

"You can't hurt me," he said as he stood up and towered over her, "Because I am not delusional." He leaned forward and smiled, "But I can hurt you. And your friends can hurt you. Anyone can hurt you. Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve as though it is immortal, and one day you might wake up to find out that you have less heart left than I do."

Tatsuki balled her hands into tight fists and stared at the ground. He was right. It sounded just like her friends to use her as bait. After all, she was not really worth that much. She could not fight hollows and she could not save herself. Of what use could she be to them except bait? "You will have me leave?"

"There is nothing here for you but more pain."

She looked up at him a smiled thinly. Her parents would love him if they were here to hear him. Since that fateful sleep over at Orihime's house, they had been begging her to transfer and move out of the town. They believed that it had become too dangerous but Tatsuki always refused to transfer because this was her home. This was where her friends were, this was where her memories were, how was she supposed to start all over again?

"You want me to start again?" she asked. For a moment Hichigo was taken aback. She was scared. How could something like that scare her? She could face hollows and guys three times her size, but she could not face a new beginning?

"Yes." he said, still marvelling at how someone could be so strong and so fragile at the same time. "You will have to eventually, because those people are not going to wait for you. Let them go. That love you have for them, let it die; they let theirs die."

She threw her arms around him and buried her face in his chest. He was cold as ice, but she still felt safer than she had in a very long time. Hichigo stood rooted to the spot. He had hugged her before, but she had just stood there with her hands hanging limply by her side. It was an imposed hug and although she had not pushed him away, she had not hugged him back either. This time _she_ was holding _him_. He wrapped his arms around her small frame and rested his chin on her head. She was so small and so breakable. He could not understand why, but he just wanted to stand there forever and protect her from everything. "Go far away from here. Just go, live, and don't look back."

He felt her nod slowly and weakly. "Good." He smiled, "If I ever come back I will find you."

She pulled away from his slightly and looked up at his black and gold eyes. They no longer frightened her; nothing about him did. "You are leaving?" she asked, "where are you going? When will you come back?"

Hichigo pulled her back towards him where she belonged and laughed softly. It was so strange for her to hear him laugh in such a sincere and affectionate manner. "I can't stay forever. One day Ichigo will take over again."

Tatsuki closed her eyes and hugged him tighter. "Don't go." She paused and took a deep breath. Her words were treachery, but she just could not lie to herself any longer. This was the Ichigo she knew. This was her childhood friend all grown up. This was someone who, finally, did not take her for granted. "You are my best friend."

His throat felt oddly tight and the inside of his cheeks tingled. But above all, his eyes began to sting. It took him a while to realise that the wetness on his cheeks were tears. Damn her. "It's me or Ichigo." He said stubbornly, hoping she would swallow her words and remind him that she would always be Ichigo's, not his. He was a hollow; he did not want people. Ichigo was her childhood friend, he was the one she missed, he was the one she wanted to save her.

She pulled away from him and wiped her tears with the back of her hand, "I know." Her words were beyond treachery but she could no longer bring herself to care. "I wish it was not either or, but it is." She looked up at him defiantly, "And I want my best friend. you." Her tone made it clear that there was no room for argument. He could not help but smile. Screw it. He wanted her to say that every day, to look at him as though he were the greatest person on earth. He wanted to give her everything, be there for her and make her happy beyond reason and he would fight Ichigo day and night just to be able to take over for a while and use that time to make her smile, laugh and feel safe.

It was then, standing on that hill and staring at that short, dark haired girl with tear-reddened eyes that Hichigo finally understood. People did not love with their hearts; they loved with their whole being. As long as a person existed they could love, and he most definitely existed. For the second time, he pulled her towards him and hugged her. He could not quite understand why just touching her made him feel so alive. It made his heart beat, and his lips smile, and his eyes see things so much brighter and clearer. This was what drove Ichigo to fight till he could no longer stand, and then get up and fight some more. And this was what would drive him.


	6. Chapter 6

Lunch time was always the hardest part of the day. It did not feel right to sit with Orihime anymore, because Hichigo always loomed between them. The first time Orihime asked if she could help capture Hichigo, Tatsuki had walked away. She had not done so out of some misplaced sense of indignation or unfounded anger, but rather because she simply did not know what to say. Now she could not bring herself to cross that threshold and sit with her friends anymore because apparently she had sided with their enemy. It was all just too awkward for her so once the lunch bell rang she gathered her things quickly and headed to the rooftop where at least she could be alone and not have to deal with the fear and concern in Orihime's eyes. If only her best friend would trust her; she knew what she was doing. At least she hoped she did.

She sat with her lunchbox on her lap and was about to open it when she heard footsteps on the roof.

"Do you mind if I join you?"

He was the last person she expected to follow her. Orihime, yes. Rukia, maybe. But Uryuu? She looked up at him and for a moment strongly considered saying yes, she did mind and it would be better if he left because they had nothing to talk about. It would be harsh but true. They barely ever spoke to each other and the idea of trying to sustain a conversation with such a mechanical being was stressful in itself. His sleek, perfectly combed, not a hair out of place hair, his blindingly white perfectly ironed shirt, his straight as a ruler posture, his glasses gleaming in the sunlight, it was all to clinical and unreal for her. Suddenly she remembered why she always felt self-conscious around Uryuu Ishida. He had this annoying air of perfection and superiority that made her want to punch him for no reason at all.

"Knock yourself out." She said. She had to be civil after all; there had to be something Ichigo and Orihime saw in him. She was friends with him through them, so she might as well treat him with civility. Nothing more.

Of course he did not sit on the ground with her. He simply stood and held his lunchbox and for some reason that irritated her to no end. "Are you going to sit down or just stand like an idiot?" she snapped in a much harsher tone than she had intended. Uryuu opened his mouth to object, but quickly decided otherwise. He lowered himself to the ground and sat cross-legged beside her. If he was going to reach her, he had to do so on her terms and as far as her terms came, they could be much much worse than sitting on the ground.

"Tatsuki, I don't know how to convince you that Ichigo is dangerous because you already know that. Some people think you just don't understand, but I _know_ you are very aware of the situation. You are not stupid and you are certainly not naïve."

Uryuu paused and looked at her. He had kept his eyes firmly fixed on his own lunch because, to be honest, talking to her could be terrifying. So far she had not walked away. But she was looking disinterestedly at her own lunch and it was almost as if she had not heard him.

"I also know that after how much we kept from you, you have no reason to blindly trust us. But at least trust that we would never hurt you. Ichigo might." Ishida paused to steady himself. He was so scared for her. Everyone was. "It is for reasons like this we hide things from the people we care about. I did not follow you because anyone asked me to; I came because I care a lot about you and right now I am terrified for your safety."

"Well isn't that touching" Hichigo sneered from across the roof top. Uryuu scrambled to his feet and pulled out his quincy bow. He hated how much sneakier Ichigo's inner hollow was. Why couldn't he be just as clumsy and irresponsible as Ichigo?

Hichigo lifted one eyebrow questioningly and smiled. "Are we really going to do this quincy? Now why would you throw away your perfectly good life for someone who was not even listening to your heartfelt words?"

"I was listening!" Tatsuki objected sharply, "I just don't _care_."

"Hey, Tatsuki, let's go. There's something I want to show you." Hichigo said. He had resolved to act as though Uryuu did not exist. If he acknowledged the quincy, he would be far too tempted to kill him and somehow he did not think that would sit too well with Tatsuki. Not like what she wanted dictated his actions.

"I have class, I just can't leave. That's breaking the rules." Tatsuki objected. It was so strange for Uryuu to watch them interact as though one of them was not a hollow that would kill the other without a second thought. Hichigo shoved his hands in his pocket and walked towards her. Uryuu panicked. He had to stop Hichigo from getting anywhere near her. Tatsuki may not have believed that her life was in danger, or perhaps – as she had said – she simply did not care. But he cared. So he fired.

It seemed less than a second between when Uryuu let the arrow fly, and when Hichigo rushed towards him, sword drawn. But before he could reach Uryuu, the Quincy leapt several feet away. To Tatsuki, the two seemed to flash around the rooftop. Her eyes could not even follow their movements, but everytime she caught sight of them Uryuu seemed to be bleeding more and more. "Ichigo stop it!" she yelled.

"I will," he replied, "when I kill him." There was something in his voice that Tatsuki had never heard before. It was amused in the dark and twisted way a cat amused itself by letting a bird fly a little before swatting it out of the air again. He was playing with Uryuu, but he was still intent on killing him. She had forgotten that this was who Hichigo truly was. Slowly, she backed up towards the edge of the roof. She climbed onto the raised ledge.

"Ichigo" she yelled, her voice was clear and determined. He turned around just as she stepped off the edge. He looked angrily at Ishida who was struggling to remain on his feet.

"I _will_ kill you, quincy." He said before he rushed after Tatstuki.

She did not for a second think she would hit the ground; she knew he would leave Uryuu and save her. But she also thought he would be furious with her. It was strange to just lay there as he held her quietly. He looked more hurt than angry, and it was obvious he was trying to stop himself from saying something.

"Are you _stupid_?" Hichigo demanded as he dropped her unceremoniously on the ground. "Are you out of your mind?"

Tatsuki stood up and brushed the dirt off her uniform skirt. "Stop acting like you didn't catch me. I knew you would. I can't just stand idly by whilst you try to kill someone." She looked up at him with the softest, most caring eyes he had ever seen and suddenly he felt almost guilty for snapping at her and for attacking Uryuu so harshly. God damn her. He really should have killed her when he first met her. Her eyes quickly darkened with mischief and she smirked, "I know you claim it is who you are, but I have much more will power than you and if I say I will stop you, trust me to make good on that promise."

He would have said something but he could not. Even if he understood how it was so easy for her to control him, he probably would not have been able to articulate it. "So what did you want to show me?" She asked.

"Nothing, I just hate that quincy and I hated that he was talking to you." Hichigo shrugged, "and I think you hated that he was talking to you too."

"Bullshit." Tatsuki teased. It was simply a joke and never in a million years would she have imagined that her joke would cause him to let his guard down and tell her the truth. She had honestly resigned herself to the fact that she would never know what lay behind that sardonic grin.

He looked at her and for the first time ever, he let his weariness show. "Staying here is hard. Every day I am here I have to fight to stay here. There is always one shinigami or the other trying to capture me, and when I close my eyes I have to fight Ichigo trying to destroy me. Yes, I hate the quincy. But I came because you remind me why it is worth it to be so exhausted all the time." It was surprisingly easy to tell her the truth. To let her know that he was not invincible and that yes, he was struggling just to stay here. It was much harder to confess that the prospect of leaving and possibly never seeing her again was far worse than any weariness he could every feel. If he had known better, perhaps he would have told her that too. "Can we just go home?"

Tatsuki looked up at him softly, slipped her hand in his, and nodded.

One moment he was walking her home after practice, and then next thing he knew he was facing down Ichigo in his mind. "I am not letting you spend another minute as me." Ichigo declared to his darker half.

"Really?" Hichigo sneered, "Because I seem to be doing a much better job that you ever could. Let's be honest, life is wasted on you."

Ichigo lunged at his inner hollow only to have him disappear. "You know, living your life reveals some very interesting things. I wonder why no one ever bothered to go after the useless one. It would be much less hassle and it would hurt you so much more." Hichigo taunted him from the top of one of the buildings.

"What are you talking about? What did you do?" This time Hichigo barely made it away. He was not strong enough to fight head-on so he was hoping to tire out Ichigo and then defeat him in a more efficient manner.

"The one who thinks she is a boy. She tried to stop me. You really need to train your humans better than that." This time Hichigo could not dodge and he was sent careening through one of the buildings.

"You are a dead man hollow. She was never a part of any of this. No one was ever supposed to touch her. Ever. I will kill you."

For a moment, Hichigo was taken aback by Ichigo's reaction. As far as he knew, she was just an old friend. "Of course, you never outgrew that crush on her did you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't be an idiot. I am you. I know everything you do." Hichigo wished he was not right, but he knew he was. Everything he felt was an extension of what the idiot before him felt. He did not autonomously choose to care about Tatsuki. Ichigo secretly loved her, and so by default he loved her as well.

"You are in love with the useless one, and you thought by hiding that you could protect her. But let's face it. What can you really hide from yourself?"

"If you so much as lay a hand on her-"

"You'll what? Kill me?" Hichigo cut in, his cruel laughter rang throughout Ichigo's inner world, "You've been trying to do that for a while now. Plus," Hichigo leaned arrogantly on his blade and smirked, "she'll never love you."

"And what the fuck would you know about that?" Ichigo tightened his grip on his sword. He could not let his darker half mess with his head, he knew he needed to focus and win this time.

"Not much," Hichigo said, enjoying the shinigami's obvious discomfort, "just that she loves me." Hichigo lied. It was not until he spoke those words that he realise that a part of him desperately wanted them to be true. "I'd say you should ask her, but you are never going to see the light of day again."

Hichigo woke up with a start. "Are you alright?" even before he could focus and process where he was, she was standing over him. He had never imagined that anyone could look so worried.

"You just fainted in the middle of the road and I panicked. Are you ok?" She asked. Her voice was small and shaky. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and let out a deep calming breath.

He was going to ask if she thought he was Ichigo or some strange extension of him. He was going to ask if she loved Ichigo and was projecting that affection onto him. But the moment he saw her kneeling over him, he knew those were all stupid questions.

"Ichigo, please say something. You are scaring me. I just need to know that you are ok."

He sat up and hugged her tightly. "If I ever hurt you or scared you or did anything bad to you, please forgive me. I am so sorry and I never want to see you cry again. If anyone makes you cry, I swear on my life that I will make them cry ten times as much and if they lay a finger on you, I will kill them."

She hugged him back. That moment when she thought he was gone forever was more terrifying than anything she had ever experienced. She knew one day she would lose him, she just did not know how he expected her to cope. "I jumped off a building knowing you would catch me, idiot. Don't you think I know all that already?"


	7. Chapter 7

Hichigo slowed his steps. He had no regrets, none what so ever. Maybe he had one: that he had not made it to her house. That he had not been able to say goodbye properly. But the last three days had been one extended goodbye. She was strong, she was brave and as much as it hurt, he knew she would be fine without him. "Ok, let's stop this bullshit." He announced as he revealed his hollow form. "Let's have the finale right now, shall we?"

There were _so many_ shinigami waiting for just him? Of course the silly shop-keeper was in the front along with some other shinigami in white coats. He pointed his sword at the shop-keeper and smiled a bitter, twisted, smile that caused Urahara to step back reflexively. "At least you have enough sense to fear me." Hichigo laughed, "so who do I kill first?"

Tatsuki knew something was wrong. The air was far too heavy for it not to be ominous. She knew it had to do with Hichigo. Everything ominious had to do with him. She paced restlessly on the porch of her house, as she wondered where to leave and risk missing him if he were heading towards her house, or run in the direction of the immense pressure and hope she did not buckle underneath the weight of the air. A bright flash on light on the horizon quickly made her decision for her. Without even bothering to change her shoes, she ran as fast as she could.

She arrived just in time to see him crash painfully into the ground. She was about to run towards him when the sheer force of him launching into the air threw her back. She scrambled to her feet and watched as he and at least fifteen other men dressed in black and white flashed across the sky. He grabbed one of the men by the neck and flung him right through the concrete on the sidewalk. He turned his head in the direction of a group of the men and fired a beam of red light so intense that Tatsuki had to shield her face and scurry away to avoid being burnt. He was not trying to contain them or escape. No, he was fighting to kill them. A beam of light wrapped around him and bound him mid-air, where he stood.

There was too much going on for her to follow and the pressure was already making it difficult for her to breath. Maybe she passed out, or maybe they just moved that quickly but one moment she was hiding behind a tree, and the next moment a tall, dark haired man with scars running down the side of his face was dragging her away from the fighting. "Let me go!" she yelled as she fought him futilely.

"Are you trying to die?" He asked sharply, his tone making it clear that he had no time for her nonsense. "People like you should not be here."

She was about to respond when the man suddenly let her go. She only managed to catch a glimpse of Hichigo before another shinigami forced him to move away from her. It might have been only a glimpse, but that was enough for her to know that this was the end. This was the last time she would ever see him. Sure, she could hope but it was already so hard for him to hold on, that this battle was his last stand. She looked around frantically till she saw him leaning against his sword, breathing hard but still talking shit. He was Hichigo, of course he would still be talking shit. A large portion of his mask was broken, revealing what he _truly_ looked like: pale, with dark gold eyes, and long, unruly orange hair.

The moment he saw her, he stood up straight and smiled a true, genuine smile that conveyed simultaneously his remorse for being unable to hold on longer, and his pride that she would venture into middle of such a battle for him. "It's not safe!" He yelled at her and she ran straight towards him. He was not even surprised to see her here, because deep down he knew she would. Nothing could stop her.

She was a few meters away from him when an unseen force struck the ground between them, throwing her backwards into the air. Tatsuki struck the ground hard and hit her head on the road. She blinked hard and willed herself to remain conscious. Her vision was blurry and she could barely make out what was around her. She forced herself to her feet and looked around for Hichigo. She spotted him fighting mid-air and, gathering her energy, she looked up and yelled to him "It's ok! You're tired and it's ok!"

He abandoned his mid-air battle and appeared directly in front of her. One last hug goodbye, that was all they needed. He understood that she just wanted to hold him one last time, and of course he wanted that too; to just hold her and be happy one last time. He gently wiped the tears off her cheeks and noticed that the side of her head was matted with blood.

"I'm going to kill them all." He seethed, but she grabbed his hand and smiled,

"No, maybe another time." She lifted her other hand to his face. His eyes were shining with unshed tears as he slowly allowed himself to realise that he would never touch her again.

He opened his arms to hug her, but before she could move forward and settle into his embrace something tore him away sharply. Tatsuki watched, frozen as Hichigo disappeared in a flash of bright orange light, her hand frozen mid-air where his face had been. The last thing she had felt was wisps of his hair brushing against her fingers. Or at least she thought she felt that, it may have been a completely imagined sensation to somehow dull the pain of having him literally ripped out of her arms.

And just like that they were gone. Hichigo and all the shinigami disappeared, leaving her standing alone in the middle of a destroyed street, in her house slippers with no jacket. Tatsuki fell to her knees and placed her palms on the ground for support. She could not feel the cold although it was almost winter. She had never wanted to cry so badly, but somehow her heart, her mind, her soul, her whole body, hurt so much that she could not even form tears. So she remained in the street crying that dry, heaving cry that comes when something hurts so much that you can barely breathe, so your body tries to make this half-way compromise between breathing and crying, and ends up doing neither.

It was a week before anyone saw her. She was not in hiding; she just did not show up to school and Hichigo's stint in the living world had altered her friendships so much that not even Orihime could gather the courage to ring on her doorbell and find out how she was doing. The words between them would be too strained and awkward to overcome the fact that Tatsuki had thrown her lot in with Hichigo.

But Tatsuki was stronger than that, so when she walked into school a week later, she seemed like the very same tomboy everyone knew. No one could see the days she had spent in bed crying, the loneliness in her life Hichigo's presence had made her acutely aware of, or the loss that hurt as freshly as it did when he disappeared. Her strength faltered just once, when she saw Ichigo in the hallway. He was standing straight with his signature scowl in place. It took every fibre of her being to keep herself composed. She had lost her best friend and the man standing in front of her was evidence that he was truly gone.

"Glad to see you are yourself again." She patted him lightly on the shoulder without meeting his eyes. Ichigo opened his mouth to speak but before he could say anything she had walked away. He wanted to call out to her, to ask her exactly what happened, but he could not gather the courage to.

When Rukia first told him just how close Tatsuki and his inner hollow had become, he could not bring himself to believe it. At least not until his saw how she reacted to his presence. He wanted to know so badly, but she avoided him all day and the few times he did manage to corner her, his words failed him because a part of him did not want to know.

Of course he could see the bruises on her and the bandage on the side of her head. He knew she had gotten hurt by running into the middle of a battle. His inner hollow would never understand what it meant to love someone so much you keep them away so you can protect them. "Can I help you with something Ichigo?" she asked. This time he was standing directly in front of the door so she could not run away from him.

"You shouldn't run into the middle of a battle, especially when you are no match for those fighting." He said instead of telling her how much it hurt him that she would choose his inner hollow over him, instead of telling her the truth, instead of asking how he could make her care for him half as much as she did for his inner hollow, or how he could get her to want to run into the middle of a battle for him – not that he would ever let that happen.

"Do not tell me what to do Ichigo, it won't work." She said before forcing her way past him. She turned and smiled at him, but even she knew he could see how forced her smile was.

Lunch time was still the hardest part of the day, because even though Ichigo was back, Hichigo still loomed between herself and her friends. So she made her way to the roof again and this time no one followed her. Ichigo wanted to follow her, all this business with Hichigo had made him acutely aware of just how much he cared about her. But he was also painfully aware that she would much rather have him hollow half. So he paced at the bottom of the stairs, weighing the pros and cons of following her, until the bell rang for class and he was forced to leave.

Somehow, on her way home, she found herself walking towards that hill where she first met him. She had not been able to bring herself to go there until now; seeing the old sulking, Ichigo had made it clear that she had to pick herself up and move on. So she was going to the one place she thought she would never be able to return to. It was so strange to know she was going there to confirm that he was gone. The moment she made it up the hill she noticed a white envelope nailed to the tree and instantly she felt tears stinging her eyes. Of course he had written her a letter, he had even addressed it '_because I will never let you cry alone_' She slumped against the tree and cried harder than she had in the past week. Once again her body tried to make that strange compromise between breathing and crying. She curled up against the tree and continued to cry those dry, heaving cries that made her throat raw and her eyes hurt. It took her hours to read the whole letter because she kept having to paused and collect herself.

That night, when she finally returned home, she picked up the phone and called her parents. It baffled her why she had been unable to do this before. Hichigo was right; there was nothing left for her in this town. She didn't tell anyone that she was leaving, one day the teacher simply skipped her name on the roll call and when Orihime pointed that out, the last thing she had expected to her was that her best friend had moved and transferred schools without even telling her.

Ichigo for the first time in over a year found himself looking down at Kurakara town from that hill he and his best friend had shared. He wanted to call her, but he did not have her new phone number. He could not even write to her because no one knew where she had moved to. Somewhere in his head he could hear his inner hollow laughing at him, telling him he did not deserve to know. He had only come here because his Hichigo had mocked him for all the times he had left her to stand under that tree and cry alone. He had no idea she still came here, although now, looking back, he did not understand why he thought she would not. He lowered his head, and for the first time in years, he cried.

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you all for reading this far, even with my absurdly long hiatus! **


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